Team Talk

I’m never going to get a team of real people at this rate. I’m working really hard on the complaints process, but I’m not getting chance to speak up in meetings and get myself noticed.

Brenda called a meeting in her head quarters today. She looked serious. She must have had the tuna and onion melt early in the day because she was breathing noxious fumes across the table.

I could tell that there was work on the way and I intended keeping my head down. I can’t afford to cop for anything else.

“What’s happening with your sales?” She screamed.

A sales competition between the Wigan and Bolton office had been raging over the past couple of weeks. It had passed me by as I thought that I had a perfect excuse: I’m dealing with complaints and the temps are … temps … they don’t count because they can’t count, (it takes all their time to breathe.)

“Ermmm. I’ve not added them up yet,” I lied, buying for time.

“It needs to get better. Your lot have only pumped out a dozen of those Cupid knobs!” she said.

I need to get a better handle on the team.

"It looks like you are writing a letter," said the paperclip

Dear Mr Brunton,

Thank you for your letter dated 1st March 2006 regarding your dissatisfaction at having to wait so long on the 28th February to register the warranty for you brand new 1940’s style telephone/ facsimile combination.

We are experiencing large call volumes at present due to our Heritage Catalogue promotion. Customers are taking advantage of our free ‘Love Handles’ offer on orders over £50.00, (the Love Handles are cupid shaped knobs, for an interior door).

The hold music we have selected has been market tested for its suitability for most audiences and Nigel Kennedy is considered to be an industry standard. I hope that you have recovered from the discomfort that you experienced while waiting, however, any claims for disability will need to be verified by an independent medical expert rather than the ‘programme on channel five’ that you refer to in your letter.

As a gesture of goodwill, without prejudice, I enclose a complementary pair of ‘Man for All Seasons’ cufflinks, in the shape of Henry the Eighth. I trust that this resolves your complaint to your full satisfaction.

Yours sincerely …

Spring is in the air.

I’ve got myself into serious trouble while being the complaints monitor. Perhaps I’m not the right man for The Apprentice after all.

My interpretation of the 24-hour rule is incorrect apparently. 24 hours actually means 24 hours! The ever-growing pile of complaints needed to dealt with quickly so I came up with a ‘holding letter’: “Thanks for getting in touch, but we need a bit longer – Thanks.”

This kept the wolf from the door for a while, but now I’m working all hours trying to catch up.

The queues have been high recently and the whistling wall boards have been singing. The complaints have been getting more and more intense as while the customers are having to wait and wait, listening to the hold music.

A customer complaint from Mr Brunton has been escalated to Brenda. He’s seeking compensation for contracting seasonally affected disorder from Vivaldi while on hold for 20 minutes.

If he’d waited a bit longer, he’d have reached Spring