28 Feb 2005

Menthol Health Act

I’ve been writing this for two years today so, in the words of Bill Hicks, forgive me while I slap on a fake smile and wade through this shit one more time.

Simon, the Craig David looky-likey, has been leaking profusely today. Every hole in his head seems to be dripping as a result of his vicks sinex addiction. He asked for time off the phones so he could nip to Boots for his latest fix.

“Have you tried steaming with menthol?” Tizzy asked him.

“No miss, coz it brings on my face-ache,” he said.

If I shot him, I’d technically be doing him a favour.

23 Feb 2005

It gets Sadder

The Catalogue That Cannot Be Named is selling a range of ‘SAD Lights’ for people who don’t like the winter. The catalogue claims that ‘it may’ sooth people who suffer from Seasonally Affected Disorder with its bright ‘simulation day light’ and range of ‘dolphin music’.

“Is it like that SARs?” Joan asked.

I said that it wasn’t and that, according to the catalogue, its more prevalent than you may think.

“I think I’ve got it sir,” Simon, the Craig David looky-likely, made a bid for another sick note.

SAD. SAD Lights.

Long winter nights can make anyone a bit miserable, but haven’t these people heard of telly, stella and packet of crisps? It makes a pleasant change to having your retina burned out to the sound of bleedin’ Flipper.

Buy one while stocks last.

22 Feb 2005

Ordinary Addictions

Simon, The Craig David looky-likey, has had a cold since November.

Tizzy has said ‘bless you’ so many times she’s like a trainee Pope.

He’s developed an addiction to vicks sinex and squirts it up his nostril every ten minutes.

Wendy, from HR, has suggested that it’s due to atmospheric conditions in the office, and has recommended that we move the plants to create a unique eco-system for him.

He’s like a boy in a bubble in a bobble hat without a bobble.

21 Feb 2005

Wigham of Wigan

I spent most of last week going to and from Wigan with Brenda, preparing for move at the end of March by filling flip chart paper with multi-coloured action plans.

Brenda flounces through the office with her clip board ‘making observations’ about the Wigan office, its people and plant arrangements, “Who maintains the greenery in the office?” she asks Steven, the present office manager.

“We do.” He replied.

She wrote, “Outsource” and a big question mark with a big girly dot.

Steven looks like Wigham from the Simpsons and he is a secret spec wearer. He likes Brenda being up close, breathing her lunch up his hairy nostrils, because he can’t see her. The tramlines on the side of his head and his ‘deck-chair-leg’ nose give his secret away.

Brenda wrote, “Making a Work Plan” on the board.

Steven leant over and whispered, “Marketing a Wok Pan? What does she mean?”

16 Feb 2005

Wrapstar is on holiday in Wigan. Back in a week. In the meantime, tell your mates to visit here, we want to hit 200000 visitors before the 2nd blog day on the 28th!

9 Feb 2005

Step On…

I held a team meeting today and inevitably it was filled with discussion about me leaving them. They weren’t interested in me. They were discussing my replacement. “Who’s TBA, sir?” Simon, the Craig David looky-likey asked.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see Tizzy rocking backwards and forwards in her chair.

I explained that my replacement had not been appointed yet and that there would be a selection event over the next few weeks, so that when I leave in March I can have a ‘hand over’.

Brian glared through his big glasses and started to make hand farts for some reason, “Is it going to be a lady? I haven’t had a lady manager.”

“We don’t know yet. It could be,” I replied.

Tizzy was like Rain Man on acid by this point.

“Susan, what on Earth are you doing?” I couldn’t hold back any longer.

“Sorry. I’m trying to fiddle my step counter. I’ve done 1002 just by sitting here.”

8 Feb 2005


Bernard had finally made an appearance following the restructure announcement. At today’s meeting there was a toadying competition to see who could congratulate him the most for his bravery. Everybody loved the new Organogram.

“There’s plenty of opportunities for everyone.” Martin said, raising his ‘best boss in the world’ cup to salute him. Of course he likes it, he’s going nowhere different and gets to move into Brenda’s desk, complete with its own fan.

“If we don’t change we may become extinct.” Ian pointed to his Jurassic Park tie to emphasise the point.

“So true,” Bernard was getting into the grooves of the compliments by now.

“Who moved my cheese?” Brenda said.

Bernard stood up and said, “Thank you Brenda. You have reminded me of a seminal work concerned with change-management. Who Moved My Cheese uses the parable of mice looking for food to illustrate the need for change.”

“No Bernard. I’ve lost my shopping from Marks.”

If found, please return to …

7 Feb 2005

The Road

Wigan. WIGAN!

The only good thing to come out of Wigan is the A58 to Bolton.

The Wigan Call Centre isn’t a real Call Centre – it’s an old council building with shiny walls and sticky carpet. The only good thing its got going for it is its water machines (they have those ones that have a big tub that goes glug glug glug).

I’m going to be stuck there with Brenda. I hope the pie shops don’t stock tuna and onion sandwiches.

“Hey up son!” It was Call Centre Tony phoning to congratulate me on the move. I was consoled by the thought that we could revive our daily canteen confessional. “I’m Boris* to Birmingham.”

Woe thrice woe. Glug, Glug and glug again.

*Boris Karl OFF

2 Feb 2005

The end of the pier show

It’s been a long time coming. After weeks of speculation and the fear of God instilled in everyone, the restructure has been announced.

Bernard decided to take the day off as it was revealed on the ‘intranet’ (it’s like the internet, but without the porn.)

“This is a new Organogram of the Call Centre that comes into effect from March.”

I thought Organogram was a herb that you put on pizza, apparently it’s a complicated diagram of where you are in the food chain.

I’m not on it.

Brenda sidled over to me, “We are going to make a good team you and me.” She made a bold ‘panto’ gesture with her arms. Tuna and onion wafted up my snozzle.

She smiled and gave me the weird look that she’s been giving all week.

“I wanted someone on my new Wigan team who was dynamic, quick thinking and knew how the agents think.” She said.

I stayed silent. I wasn’t sure how to react.

“Wigan is going to be a big challenge I want someone to lead the team that can keep on delivering again and again.”

I paused before saying, “You couldn’t get Janice.”

“No. I got you instead.”