Ho Ho Bloody Ho

I know, I know – sorry and all that – but I’ve been busy. Santa’s turned his back on Bangalore and outsourced his work to us in Bolton.

My headset has been out of the velvet-lined box and its muff welded to my ear throughout December. The wallboards have been jingling constantly as the ‘on hold’ Christmas music warped with overuse.

John Three has not had time to breathe, never mind moan, and the inquest about missing stationery has been ‘parked’ (whatever that means) until the tidal wave of customers that crash against our heads ceases.

It must have been bad as Quandix were taken off ‘Hygiene Bin detail’ and redeployed to take inbound calls for The Catalogue That Cannot Be Named (for keeping my job reasons).

I don’t want to spoil the surprise for you, but here are the top 5 gifts for this holiday season:

(1) ‘Ever Hard’ a space age biscuit tin that means your bourbons will never be limp. It’s like Viagra for Rich Tea.

(2) ‘Disco Pen’ re-live Saturday Night Fever next time you write a cheque. Flashes red, yellow, pink and blue – not suitable for people with photo-sensitivity or taste.

(3) Nuts of the World Luxury Hamper – a hamper filled with nuts. Unlike every other hamper in the world, there’s no sign of a ‘pie in a tin’, you’ll need to purchase it separately. May contain nuts.

(4) Singing Ringing Tree – knows over a hundred Christmas tunes, some of them made up, could replace Cliff Richard when he croaks.

(5) Wrapstar’s Lever Arch Files – while stocks last!