29 May 2004

Bank Holiday Bargains

Nobody reads this rubbish at the weekend, so for all the diehards I have a bank holiday special. Over the next couple of days I am going to take a break from watching the live-streaming of Big Brother (Jarvis Cocker has smuggled himself in dressed as a sailor-boy lesbian and a Martin-Bashir-a-like keeps mooching around like he’s going to kill them all as they sleep) and transform CCC into an infomercial.

The Catalogue That Cannot Be Named (for keeping my job reasons) is producing supplements galore at the moment with such tantalising titles as “The Garden Supplement That Cannot Be Named” and “The Heath and Fitness Supplement That Cannot Be Named”. If I throw “The Door To Door Catalogue That Cannot Be Named” into the mix it makes a heady cocktail of tat.

Summer is in the air and their customers cannot get enough of their life enhancing products. These are the All Time Top Five products that are doing brisk business this week:

Luxury Garden Hammock:

“Be the envy of your neighbours as you laze away the summer days…” it says in the catalogue.

Barney says, “I’d hate to spend the summer spread-eagled in a huge truss … not after the last time!”

The Head of Buddha:

There are various ‘garden sculptures’ available on a page that has quotes from actual historians; they really should know better than adding any authenticity to ‘Aztec Indian in Repose’, or ‘an Hindu lord making a blessing’.

These are neo-gnomes whose pseudo-religiosity cannot disguise the fact that they are crap. A gnome is a gnome and people who buy ‘garden sculptures’ are fooling nobody but themselves.

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