Sick

Human Resources are still in the process of rewriting the language. I contacted Wendy on Friday as Simon (the Craig David looky-likey) on my team is now in a state of ‘Recurrent Casual Absence’, which means I have to lock into a HR process designed to squeeze humanity out of illness, death and despair and replace it with forms, documentation and ‘reasonable adjustments’.

“Simon, you were off last week with ‘face ache’. What was wrong exactly?” I asked. Janice was ‘a scribe’ taking notes so the session was fully ‘documented’.

“I think I had RSI of the jaw sir.” Simon replied.

“RSI of the jaw? Repetitive strain injury of the JAW.” I repeated.

“Yes sir. I think it is through talking too much on the phone.”

I started to read the absences from the file. “Pulled ribs caused by over-active sex.”

“I don’t see her no more sir. Too demandin’. She were making me ill init.” He nodded slowly and sincerely.

“Tattoo related sickness.” I continued.

“There was a spelling mistake on my back sir. I had the words transformed into a snake. Do you wanna see it sir?”

“No. No, its ok – we’ll take your word for it.”

When I recounted the meeting to Wendy she spun into overdrive: “I need a work station review. This is covered by the DDA – proceed with caution – can we do anything to relieve the face ache, such as increased breaks, an ergonomic headset or soothing balms. I need you to explore these matters and put it down in a report.”

Can we not just put HIM down?