18 Jul 2003

Minority Report

Bernard has kitted out his office with the latest technological innovations: a plasma-screen television, an iMac that looks like a reading lamp (“I thought iMac was something to remove hair” said Tony) and all the state of the art office gizmos.

He does not know how any of them work. When it comes to technology, he has the best intentions, but ultimately has not got a clue. He thinks that if he says things like “has it got a modem?” or “is it year two thousand compatible?” people will not be able to see through him.

He called us into a meeting today and used his electronic pen and tablet for the first time. He has taken to heart a recent ‘GREEN GOBLIN’ memo regarding the cost of flip chart paper to the forests. His consumption of flip chart paper will give Sting a heart attack if he ever found out.

The thing is, none of his flip charts make any sense. He spends a whole hour creating reams and reams of indecipherable nonsense.

This afternoon the plasma screen was aglow with a scrawl of arrows and circles with words like “People”, “Culture” and “Desire” scribbled in really tiny writing.

There was a high-pitched squeal, almost like an orgasm, a women with a breathy, American voice said “It’s 16:55” over and over again.

“Ignore that … my mouse mat has an alarm fitted.” Bernard said impatiently.

Tony shouted out random words: “Best Practise in Practice”, “360 degree feedback”, and ‘Striving for Personal Bests’, so he could get kudos. Bernard was feverish in his replies: “Love it! Love it!”

Brenda honked in approval.

Bernard was in the throes of creating his ‘Pre-cog Contact Centre’ he dreamed up while watching Minority Report: “It is our killer concept. The next generation of call centre is born here. What is it? I don’t know. But its new and different to whatever came before.”

“It’s time to leave!” Called out the mouse mat.