20 Sep 2003


“I’ll be able to get into it sir.” Simon, the Craig David looky-likey, volunteered to break into ‘The Cupboard That No One Opens’. He straightened a paperclip and set to work.

Conscious of the recent clamp down on stationery orders, I made a mental note to twist it back into shape when he’d finished.

The smell has reached ‘terminal velocity’ - it’s still bad - but has not got any worse. I am determined to discover source and ‘The Cupboard That No One Opens’ seemed the best lead I had.

Finally, Simon got it open. Inside it was a cornucopia. Every item of stationery you can imagine stacked in neat rows: post-it notes, highlighter pens, super clips, tip-ex (and thinners!), flip chart pens, keyboard wipes and those really good, fine tipped gel-pens that we were banned from ordering months ago.

Within seconds I was like a scouser in a blackout. I filled every pocket and orifice I could stuff things into.

It was like another world. A world without stationery budgets.

I tested the tip-ex thinners, in case it had gone off and was causing the smell. I spent the rest of the afternoon high, jibbering rubbish and attempting to twist the paperclip into its former shape.