All over your … BOINK!

I’ve made several New Year resolutions, including:

More exercise,
More dieting,
More tolerance.

As a starting point, I’ve wiped my Wankerdaq list clean: everyone who annoyed me in 2003 is going to have a second chance.

Janice has revived the defunct slimming club, bought new batteries for the dodgy scales and set up a complicated spreadsheet to track our progress.

For years, I’ve tried to convince myself that I’d reached maximum skin capacity and it was impossible for my belly to get any bigger. Turkey, stuffing and Stella Atois have destroyed that theory over the holidays.

I had a packed lunch of slightly out-of-date hummus on dry pitta-bread. I already feel better.

Simon, the Craig David looky-likey got his mum to call in as he had a "cold" which could be “terminal” according to the family doctor.

I can see my empty portfolio building up already.