Beer and Beef

In a bid to be accepted by my colleagues, I have decided to join their Slimming Club. Each week we are obliged to chip in a quid to be weighed in a secret location (the stair well). Janice plots the changes on a spreadsheet and the person who loses the most weight over a month gets to take the total money.

A couple of months ago, following a documentary showing how dangerous it is, I went on Dr Atkins Diet, and lasted 3 days. It wasn’t the fact that it was high protein – I loved eating all that meat, I felt feral, like a caveman – it was the abstention from alcohol I couldn’t cope with. I could put up with bad breath and biting the toilet door every time I went for a shit (ouch – I think you burn calories trying to coax the turtle from its shell), but I struggled to resist the temptation of ice cold beer in the fridge.

Now, I am not an alcoholic (then again, don’t they all say that?), I am someone who likes to come home from The Call Centre and have a refreshing beer and leave it at that (nearly always anyway).

I was licking the condensation from the can at one stage to try and alleviate the cold turkey.

I have come up with my own best selling diet for people like me. It is called THE 8 CANS DIET. It works like this: everyone should have 8 cans of Stella a day but you need to reduce the cans you drink by the food you eat. All food has a STELLERIFIC value, for example, a kebab has a stellerific value of 3 cans, so you can have a kebab and 5 cans of Stella on my diet.

It’s a winner. You heard it here first. Next stop: Richard and Judy.