25 Apr 2003

Particular Coughs

Television is a strange world.

Remember when you were a kid and watched “Boss Cat” and wondered why Benny and the boys would call him “TC”? All because some numbpty at the BBC thought that streetwise cat called Top Cat was corrupting. I don’t know who they were trying to fool. It was probably the same numbpty in the nineties who changed The Mutant Ninja Turtles into The Mutant Hero Turtles. He probably thought we’d be slicing the throat of our granny after watching pizza eating ninjas in a half-shell.

Everyone was talking about the “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” scandal this week. Joan was obsessed, saying over the pens: “THAT TEFLON TWITTERK SAYS HE HAS HEY FEVER AND THAT”S WHY HE COUGHS …”

John Three, Moomin Papa, was complaining about the cynicism of Celador, the television company: “They kept a million quid that someone won. They managed to get the only press coverage available during the war. They got 17 million viewers watching a documentary with bleeding Martin ‘under-hand, misleading and devious’ Bashir – they advertise cough medicines in the breaks and still make a mint …” He looks disgusted.

“I heard that Tecwen Whittock has got that SARS.” Thrush said.

“Well I heard that he tried overdosing on buttercup syrup.” Tizzy insisted.

John Doe made a list - The All time Top 5 things to spend a million on: 1) Bionic legs for my cat 2) A tomahawk missile. 3) An iPod. 4) My ears pinned back. 5) A booby-trapped marker pen.

Meanwhile, I down-loaded pictures of Top Cat from the internet, printed and laminated them and pinned them to my pen walls, while dreaming of killing my team, one by one.

Maybe that numbpty from the BBC had a point.