22 Apr 2003

The National Call Bored

I have a new member of the team who started today. Another lamb to the slaughter - filled with youthful promise and commitment – it will soon wear off.

Brian (The Hills Have Eyes) is his mentor. I always put the new people with Brian in the hope that they will befriend him and stop him from mithering me (he’s been telling me about an out of date Easter Egg he got for his mum all day).

This FNG (flippin’ new guy as we used to say in Nam) is disgusting. I have already named him Manic Miner because he has his finger up his nose constantly. He is like a coke addict: scraping the septum, poking the nostril and studying the finger, thumb, pinky and index finger, one after the other, buried to the knuckle. To the KNUCKLE!

I imagine its like watching one of those fisting videos you can get off e-bay. I imagine.

He is well placed, sitting with Brian, because he once did the second most disgusting thing I ever saw in the Call Centre. He once picked his teeth with a toenail clipping: it was like a scimitar. A shard of nail twiddling between his gnashers.

“That’s disgusting.” I said.

“I know. My mum says that I have toenails that would make a ‘raptor jealous.”

The MOST disgusting thing I ever saw – is a long story – I’ll tell you tomorrow.