Crushing Grapes

I have received a couple of e-mails asking what happened at the Tantazia ‘Celebrity Evening’ that I was invited to a fortnight ago.

Stu Francis was double booked, so Steve, the owner manager, managed to get a chap who got to the second heat of Pop Idol. He sang a selection of Boyzone hits, badly, while accompanied by a tiny casio organ.

Steve was pissed on Tesco Sicilian red wine by the time Janice and I had arrived. He looked like The Joker because the wine had marked his lips. His teeth were black when he grinned insanely.

I was nervous about seeing him. I was expecting him to beat the living daylights out of me once he’d realised how few appointments we had actually made. Fortunately, the ‘saloon’ had been broken into and the appointment’s diary had been stolen. He was relying on the customers turning up and accommodating them as much as possible.

He managed to insult Janice by suggesting she tried his new electrolysis treatment to remove her facial hair.

We left early.