24

I'm Wrapstar, Team Manager in the Call Centre, and this is going to be the longest day of my life...

10:00

Check the register. Spend 20 minutes trying to find the pen with a really fine point so all the marks are the same.

I discover some mint imperials in my drawer that I'd forgotten about. There's some important documents in there too that I thought I'd sorted out ages ago. I place them, mints and all, in my in-tray, and pledge to work on them later.

10:30

I have the first cup of coffee of the day. I ponder at the machine speculating about Ian's theory: the higher the number, the more disgusting the drink; ox-tail soup is 100 and water is 1.

10:42

Open in-box. Delete all messages from Nigel about Call Performance - if its bad I'll hear about it soon enough - if it's good, it will make no difference.

11:00

First call from Call Centre Tony mithering me about lunch, under the pretext of it being good time-management: "Book it in or book it out, son."

11:10

Another coffee. I can now tackle the issues of the day.

11:30

Call Centre Tony comes to my desk: "Are you ready for a nose-bag?"

12:15

In the Canteen Confessional with Tony for 10 minutes longer than I intended. He is like a snooze-button on my alarm clock: "Just another 5 minutes, then we'll go back."

1:00

Arrange my desk to do some call reviews. I'm way behind my target. I get my head-set out of its velvet-lined box, position my pen with the really fine tip and suck on a slightly fluffy mint as I switch on the system, ready to listen.

1:05

Fag Ash Lil visits. She has a carrier bag filled with patches and gum that she has bought off her friend Kathy, who has given up giving up smoking. Lil isn't quitting; she wants the stash to supplement her habit. She reckons that she can have a 24 hour intake using the patches and gum.

2:00

Shuffle through some paper work.

Barney, the Big Gay Bear, starts a 'between call debate' about Carry On films. The team are surprised when I cite 'Carry On Abroad' as my favourite.

3:00

Call from Sooty - why has my Wrap Time increased in the last hour? I make up something about 'complex queries'. I bring the 'Carry On' debate to a close.

3:15

Another coffee. It starts to taste like hot dog sausage brine.

3:30

Toilet break. I smuggle in a copy of PRIVATE EYE.

4:00

I decide to actually DO a call review.

4:15

The Call Monitoring system is broken. I decide to look up funny names in the customer database instead. I found Ned Flanders the other day.

5:00

Start to wind down by having a hot chocolate 'for a change' (number 15). Meet Ian at the machine and he bores me by talking about football formations.

5:55

Put the important document back in my drawer with a sticky note on it saying 'Important'.

6:00

Leave.

Best thing is ... they pay me for this.